Icha Icha Paradise
by paws-bells
Summary: ItaSaku Non Massacre Au. Itachi is impossibly persuasive as ever, Sakura finds herself a reluctant star in Jiraiya's perverted writings, Naruto is plain confused and Sasuke just wishes that he never woke up today.


**Title:** Icha Icha Paradise

**Author: **pawsbells

**Characters/Pairing: **Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Itachi

**Type:** One-shot (Complete)

**Genre:** Romance/Humor

**Word Count:** 3750

**Theme:** LJ Community, 50-shinobi theme #24, Icha Icha Paradise

**Rating: **M (Contains content suitable for mature teens and older)

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-san.

**Summary: **Non-massacre AU. Itachi is impossibly persuasive as ever, Sakura finds herself a reluctant star in Jiraiya's perverted writings, Naruto is plain confused and Sasuke just wishes that he never woke up today.

**A/N:** This one-shot is also entered for Setsuna's ItaSaku Alternate Universe Fanfiction Contest, under the Mature category. The theme is Non-Massacre AU. This contest was brought to my attention by an anonymous reviewer who suggested that I give it a shot. So whoever you are, this is partly for you.

**Chapter Last Revised on:** 24/12/07

**

* * *

Excerpt from Jiraiya-sama's uncompleted installment of Icha Icha Paradise…**

_The Uchiha covered her lithe form completely, his lean, taut body pressing her deeper into the hospital bed. She squirmed under him in protest and broke away from his deep, drugging kisses in an effort to deter him. _

"_We shouldn't do this-" _

_He recaptured her reddened, kiss-swollen lips before she could even finish, his hot, wet tongue sliding sensuously against hers and ignited a most urgent heat in her womb. An unhappy whine escaped her throat, but very soon it was replaced by a low whimper as he started to stroke her through her medic-nin uniform. She arched against him like a feline begging for more, and he acquiesced immediately to her unspoken demand. _

_She mewled sweetly for him and without her immediate knowledge he started to unbutton her prim and proper attire to get to the lush body encased within. _

_Large, doe-like eyes were glazed with lust but still she tried her best to resist him, making one last bid to change his mind before he dragged her under this sea of passion that he had unleashed upon them. He released her lips at last in order to pay attention to her smooth, neglected throat and she drew in a sharp breath when he scraped his teeth lightly against her sensitive skin. _

"_St-stop." Her conviction was wavering drastically in the face of his temptation and he knew it. Her hands came up to push weakly against his broad shoulders but to no avail. "The door isn't locked!" _

_Dark onyx eyes slid over to look at her. She was panting softly, cheeks flushed and lips red and pouting. She looked so very enticing like this; lying under him with her long pink hair spread around her in a wild disarray, medic uniform half off her gorgeous, curvaceous body and the black lace of her bra peeking impishly out from among the white fabric of her outer clothes. _

_And she was all his. _

_The slow, lazy smirk that appeared on his face was so very rare and it served to make her turn red immediately. Her breath hitched in her throat and her eyes darkened as he gave her a long, almost mischievous look. _

_Gods, she would never be able to resist him if he was like this. _

"_Then," His normally beautiful tenor was a throaty purr as he perused her blushing face with a glint of languid amusement in his eyes. "You had better pray that no one would intrude upon us." _

_She only had time to squeak softy before he resumed his previous activity, laving hot kisses on her neck and shoulder as he worked diligently to get her clothing off her. She was starting to realize that he was stripping her though; the fabric of his rough ANBU vest chaffed the delicate skin on her belly slightly and her eyes widened. _

"_What are you-"_

"_What do you think?" Large callused hands eased the sleeves of her one-piece white medic outfit from her arms before tugging the fabric down to her waist. Then she trembled slightly as the same lean, long fingers crept to her thighs, slowly but surely pushing the skirt of her dress up past her hips. _

"_Black as well?" His eyes gleamed at the sight of her tiny, lacy panties. She flushed and tried to move her legs together. He wasn't letting her, though. His hand started to move again, rough fingers trailing most deliciously against the soft, curvy flesh of her waist before moving upwards to her ribs, and then her chest. Watching her intently, he rubbed a thumb against a bra-clad breast and she started to respond, her breathing becoming a little more erratic than before and her eyes locked to his, simply too mesmerized to look away. _

_He tugged down her bra and freed the soft globes of her breasts. The pink tips were pebbled and hard from arousal, demanding his attention loudly. And so he gave it to them. She bit her lips to stifle her cry when warm, wet lips clasped over her nipple and began to suck. The kunoichi keened and pressed herself against him as the sensation became too great, and shifted restlessly as she grew damp with desire, the pressure building up between her legs making her breathless and so very light headed. _

_Then his fingers reached down between them, and pressed themselves against her most heated core. She stiffened, and then started to buck helplessly under him as he rubbed her there. Her hands ran up and down his back, urging him on and it wasn't long before he responded, pushing aside her panties to get to her. His pink-haired lover squirmed and moaned helplessly when he slipped a long finger into her wet depths to prepare her for him, and he returned an answering hiss when her sleek, slippery muscles clamped down upon him hard. The vibration of his mouth against her breast was so exquisite that she whimpered. _

_She was about as ready as she could get, and he was most impatient to get into her today. _

_Quickly withdrawing from her enticing heat, he freed himself from his pants and pressed the tip of his turgid length against her wet entrance. She sucked in a sharp breath and drew her legs up to accommodate him. Then he started to ease into her, his wide girth slowly parting her tight channel as she stilled and closed her eyes at the familiar sensation of him filling her completely from within. Slender fingers curled into sleek, powerful biceps as he hilted himself completely within her, and automatically she locked her ankles around his hips and pressed herself close to him, her emerald gaze misty with passion as she reached up to kiss his cheek. _

_He turned his face slightly and caught her mouth with his. The kiss was hard and urgent and it was so intense that she started to contract helplessly around his length. The powerful ANBU captain growled into her mouth, and then he started to move. His heat was all over her, surrounding her, within her. He withdrew from her almost completely before sinking back in again, and they both sighed when he finally slid home. _

_She looked at him with dewy eyes. _

"_Faster." She whispered. _

_He conceded to her request. _

_She mewled when he increased his speed, and when he forced his way into her soft, rippling core the feel of his rigid length rubbing against the hypersensitive nerves that lined her inner walls gave her so much pleasure that-_

* * *

"Dobe. What are you doing?"

Poor Naruto nearly jumped ten feet into the air. Blue eyes widened with shock at being crept up upon and then narrowed again with righteous fury as the blonde turned upon his best friend immediately.

"Teme!" The fox boy yelled as he pointed angrily at the other nin. His face was still bright red from reading the hentai scene that ero-sennin had penned. He was so going to thump the pervert hermit after he was done dealing with pervert Sasuke. Who knew that the Uchiha could be such a lecher as well! "How dare you touch Sakura-chan like that!!"

Sasuke eyed the blonde with a slight lift of his brow. At the moment, Naruto shared startling resemblance to a jumping tomato with…golden hair.

"What are you talking about, idiot?" The Uchiha drawled as he eyed the piece of paper that Naruto was waving up and down like a maniac. It was hard to believe that this male was one of the most powerful shinobi in Konoha sometimes.

"What am I talking about?!!" Naruto glared. "Don't pretend you don't know! Ero-sennin had seen everything!! He even wrote it down here!"

Sasuke was starting to frown. The dark-haired twenty-year old knew that anything Jiraiya wrote was sure to be highly perverted and often times severely offending to certain parties…but how was he and Sakura involved in this?

"Let me look." With a quick lunge, the Uchiha promptly snatched the piece of paper from the howling blonde. Sidestepping Naruto and reading proved to be a little difficult but Sasuke managed—initially.

The poor raven-haired Jounin promptly stuttered to an abrupt halt after he finished reading the first paragraph though. Naruto nearly crashed into him but swerved aside at the very last moment.

"What the fuck!" The blonde sputtered. He started to glare agitatedly at Sasuke but the other nin was looking paler than his normal shade of…pale. But that was perfectly alright; his complexion was complemented perfectly by the twin spots of red that flagged his cheeks as he quickly scanned through the contents of the very graphic scene that the Frog Hermit had written. No names had been mentioned of course, but it was most obvious who the pink-haired medic-nin was. There was after all, only one such female in the whole of Konoha and Suna combined.

"Hey, pervert!" The loud Jinchuriki yelled. "Quit reading! You already know what happened already, you bloody… how could you touch our sweet, innocent Sakura-chan like that?!!"

Dazed onyx eyes lifted from the paper at last to fix themselves on the blonde.

"…I didn't."

Naruto was obvious in his disbelief.

"Yeah, right!" Naruto went to his friend's side immediately. "See here? Right at the beginning of the very first sentence?! It says clearly, 'The Uchiha'! If that isn't you, I'd bite my own ass!"

Sasuke was definitely not amused.

"Do you have any idea just how many Uchihas there are in my clan?" the spiky-haired male asked. "And it also say here," he pointed at yet another passage. "that this particular Uchiha is an ANBU. I'm not ANBU."

Naruto calmed down enough to think about what Sasuke had just said. He made perfect sense of course. The blonde frowned.

"But I thought that your family is in charge of the Military Police…?"

Sasuke looked exasperated.

"My clan has produced some exceptional ANBUs as well." The Uchiha retorted. "I know of at least eight who hail from my clan."

Naruto's frown deepened.

"But Sakura-chan can't possibly know any of them, can she?"

The raven-haired Uchiha shrugged. It was certainly more than a little awkward for him to be discussing their teammate's sex life with the dobe and even odder was the possibility that she might be involved with an Uchiha.

"I don't control her life." A possibility struck Sasuke then. "And for all we know we may be worrying ourselves for nothing. This," Sasuke gestured to the paper with a faint air of disgruntlement. "could have stemmed from Jiraiya's overactive imagination."

Still, Naruto was unconvinced. It was too odd, not to mention way too random. Why write about Sakura-chan? Why put her with an unknown Uchiha? The blonde growled unintelligibly under his breath. His pervert sensei had gone too far this time, writing such smut about his pink-haired teammate. He had half the mind to hand this paper over to Sakura and let him have a taste of Sakura's inhumanly powerful fists.

Wait a minute…maybe he would.

Blue eyes glinted with vindictive glee as they turned to the wary Uchiha. That look on Naruto's fox face never bode well for anyone involved.

"Come on, Sasuke-teme, let's go to Sakura and see what she has to say about this."

Sasuke didn't have to be a genius to know that was a most foolish idea. He shook his head immediately.

"Sakura is not going to appreciate this." The Uchiha warned.

Naruto shook his head in disagreement.

"You are wrong. She is going to be grateful, and then she will go over to ero-sennin and pummel his ass for writing such nonsense. We will both get to watch the free show, of course. Come on! Let's go!"

Sasuke eyed his happy friend with exasperated disbelief but shuffled after the blonde all the same.

"Have some respect; he is your sensei after all."

Blue eyes gleamed.

"But I am." Naruto retorted. "If I didn't I would show this to obaa-san as well; then she and Sakura could stand at either ends of the village and take turns punting the pervert across Konoha for sport."

Sasuke winced inwardly at the imagery.

* * *

When the duo arrived at the door of their teammate's apartment, they were both behaving as per usual, trading blows and insults like any regular best friends. It was nearly evening though but since they were all aware that today was Sakura's day off, it was highly probable that the kunoichi would be resting at home. Life as a medic-nin was extremely stressful and hectic after all.

However, after two rings (or twenty thanks to Naruto's itchy fingers) and still no one coming to answer the door, the boys were starting to doubt that Sakura was home. She may have gone out after all.

"I don't care!" Naruto refused to leave though. "Let's wait until she comes back. Sakura-chan has a key hidden somewhere here, isn't it? Now where is it-"

The door swung open abruptly, and out fell a frazzled Sakura. The pretty kunoichi looked as if she had just rolled out of bed; her long pink hair was mussed, her clothes rumpled. Her teammates eyed her disheveled appearance with mild interest.

"Naruto, Sasuke!" She sounded breathless but genuinely surprised to see them. "What are the two of you doing here?" She asked immediately. "Do you want to come in?"

Naruto shook his head.

"Naw. We are gonna pay ero-sennin a visit and we thought that you might like to come along as well."

The blonde's vague insinuation made Sakura frown slightly. "And why would I want to visit Jiraiya-san?"

Women generally wanted nothing to do with the old pervert if possible. Sakura was no exception. Her teammates looked at each other, and then Naruto immediately shoved a piece of paper into the hands of the befuddled female.

"I found this on his desk when I went to his hotel suite to look for him." Naruto blurted out quickly. "I figured that you might want to seek revenge for all the nonsense that he had written."

Bewildered emerald eyes slowly went through the contents of the paper. Predictably, Sakura froze as it became apparent to her what this was about.

"Really, like you would be with some Uchiha." The blonde continued to mutter. "Nothing there but a bunch of tight-assed, humorless bastards even worse than teme here."

Sasuke promptly smacked him across the head for insulting his clan.

Sakura continued to stare at the piece of paper in a sort of suspended animation. Then she started to turn a shade of bright pink.

Naruto nodded sympathetically whereas Sasuke coughed behind his hand and tried to pretend to be invisible.

"Don't look so mortified, Sakura-chan." Naruto soothed. "At least we got to it before ero-sennin could mass produce it for everyone else to read. The untruth would have been a scandal. Come; let's go give the old perv a thump or fifty."

Before the blonde could reach out to lead away his shell shocked teammate though, a lean muscular arm snacked around her waist as a tall, masculine form appeared at the doorway behind Sakura. Like her, he appeared sleep-tousled; eyes half-lidded and long raven hair unbound and flowing freely around broad shoulders.

"Go where?" The silky, lilting tenor was so familiar to Sasuke that his eyes widened. Naruto's jaw dropped to the floor when he recognized the man standing by Sakura with such casual intimacy.

Sakura was not reacting to her teammates' shock however. Dazed, the beautiful female lifted the piece of paper for her lover to read and read he did, only over her shoulder with his chin propped on said part of her body. They were acting so familiarly with each other that Sasuke had difficulty believing that this was really the same person he knew his entire life.

Onyx eyes the exact color of the one before him glinted with lazy amusement as he processed the writing on the script. It was not half bad, if he had to be honest to himself.

"So Jiraiya-san saw us." It was such a simple statement, though the resulting reaction of Team Seven was anything but.

"Oh god, we were seen by…"

"_You mean this is for real_?!!"

"…Aniki?"

Uchiha Itachi gazed at the stunned look on his younger brother's face. He nodded calmly at Sasuke.

Naruto pointed at the elder Uchiha with a look of dawning horror.

"ANBU…Uchiha…so you were the one who touched Sakura-chan!" The blonde howled accusingly.

A small smirk appeared on Itachi's face. They were so fiercely defensive of Sakura.

"I did more than just touch, Naruto-kun."

Immediately, all members of Team Seven turned bright red at his amused purr.

Sakura glared at her lover, finally recovering from the fact that someone had seen her and Itachi—and it just had to be the Super Pervert of Konoha.

"You are not helping." The kunoichi snapped irritably.

To Sasuke's shock, his stoic brother actually _nuzzled_ his _teammate_ with such affection that it completely confounded that younger male. Naruto was just as bewildered, if not more.

"…hey, hey hey!" The blonde protested immediately. "Aren't you supposed to be this cold-blooded, emotionally constipated ANBU captain?" Then he turned to Sakura. "Sakura-chan, how can you stand to be with someone like…him?! They are Uchihas, he's bound to be like a cold fish!"

Sakura was not about to let her teammate insult her lover. She frowned at the blonde. So did Sasuke.

"What's that supposed to mean, dobe?"

"Itachi is not a cold fish." Sakura replied immediately. "Can we not talk about this first?"

"Fine." Naruto scowled. "Then should we talk about why you are with him? You don't even know him!"

This time, Itachi was the one who answered.

"On the contrary, Naruto-kun." His dark eyes stared knowingly into Sakura's, who started to blush slightly. "Sakura knows me quite intimately."

Sasuke looked a little green. His brother was flirting! He would never imagine to see such a day. He had hoped that he never would.

The pink-haired kunoichi nodded hesitantly at her friend.

"We have been seeing each other for four months already." Sakura admitted.

Sasuke appeared startled. His brother…and Sakura? For so long already? They had hid it very well.

"Four months?!" Naruto's blue eyes bugged out. "And why didn't we know anything about it?"

"Because I just knew that you were all going to overreact!"

"Yeah, of course I would! He's an Uchiha!"

"Don't insult my clan." Sasuke snapped in immediate reflex.

"What's wrong with him being an Uchiha? And I didn't like him because he was an Uchiha!"

"Well…! Well, they are all bastards, that's why!"

"Quit insulting my clan, dobe."

"They are always bastards to you, Naruto; and that includes all the men I have been in contact with!"

"That's because I'm right! All men are bastards!"

"Oh yeah? Does that includes you as well?!"

"No! I'm just trying to look out for you, Sakura-chan!"

The irritated kunoichi deflated immediately. Naruto was just showing that he cares.

"I know…" The dejected look on Sakura's face made Naruto uncomfortable.

"Sakura-chan…"

"I'm sorry, Naruto. Sasuke, too. I shouldn't have kept this from you guys."

Sasuke merely grunted a response. He really had no comment about the matter. This was Itachi after all; Sakura would be well taken care of by his brother.

A sigh.

"It's my fault too, Sakura-chan. I apologize for being such a pain." The blonde mumbled at last. Then he started again. "But damn, why did you have to choose Sasuke-teme's brother?" The blonde whined. "We can't even beat him up; he'd mop the floor with us!"

Itachi's eyes glinted with amusement.

"Isn't that supposed to be good, Naruto-kun?" The older Uchiha remarked. "You are looking for someone strong to protect Sakura, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but not that _strong_!"

Sakura eyed her pouting friend dryly.

"Sorry, Naruto. But you don't always get what you want."

Itachi's lips twitched slightly at the antics of Sakura's blonde teammate.

"Enough." The ANBU captain interrupted after a moment of the lighthearted situation. "Back to Jiraiya-san."

Looking calmly at the Kyuubi Jinchuriki, he spoke calmly. "It seems that I will need to…talk to him about matters regarding respect of one's privacy."

Almost immediately, Naruto caught on to his meaning. So did Sasuke and Sakura too, for the matter.

Blue eyes started to gleam with mischief and the blonde promptly forgot about his previous upset.

"I agree wholeheartedly with you."

Sakura was opposite.

"He's a sannin for good reason though-"

Sasuke nodded immediately.

"Good point. I will bring Kakashi." The younger Uchiha promised. The fact that his older brother was in on the action made him most interested in this operation. Sakura shook her head.

"Kakashi-sensei's a fan of those perverted books, remember?" Sakura blushed. "And I have no intention of letting him read this." She waved the piece of paper at them.

Itachi took it from her. "I will keep this."

Sakura stared at him with confusion. "Keep? Don't you mean destroy?"

He shook his head; eyes gleaming with a sort of intent that made his younger brother blanch with embarrassment. "I'm most interested in perusing this later—in great detail."

Sakura promptly turned bright red. "Erm."

Naruto looked as if he had no idea what to do. Sasuke looked as if he would like to disappear on the spot immediately.

Itachi eyed the younger males placidly.

"Kakashi-san would probably want to come along; I know that he is rather protective of Sakura. I will give the both of you two hours to locate him. We will meet here later."

The men of Team Seven nodded in agreement.

"And what about the both of you?" Naruto made the mistake of asking.

Itachi only had eyes for the petite pink-haired female in his arms.

"We will be resuming our previous…_activities_ before we were interrupted."

"Itachi!" Sakura turned bright red again. She was not the only one.

The Uchiha heir was undaunted though. Nodding once at her gaping teammates, he started to steer the blushing female back into her apartment.

"See you later, boys."

And then the door slid shut, leaving a most embarrassed Sasuke and to an extent, a slightly less mortified Naruto. Sasuke really didn't know what was worse; the knowledge that his brother was engaged in a blatantly sexual relationship with his female teammate or that he had just read an authentic pornographic material starring his own brother.

The younger Uchiha groaned inwardly.

"Naruto, this is all your fault."

_

* * *

::owari::

* * *

_

**Questions That I Would Like To Answer Before You Ask:**

I believe that with all the time Jiraiya spends on voyeurism, he is bound to hit 'jackpot' sometimes. And oh, I can never even hope to emulate Jiraiya's infamous smuts, of course. That would make me a super pervert if I could, and I sure as certain am not that. Yeah, not perverted, that's me.

---

And of course, Merry Christmas, everybody!

----------

Your reviews fuel my passion for writing. So please leave a comment if you like this fic, thank you.

--paws


End file.
